


a lesson in expression

by softshelltaako



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, More platonic than anything, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Pre-Relationship, THE WARNING REFERS TO PAST EVENTS, but i ship them so its like, taagnus if you squint, taako gets tipsy and cries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10713657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshelltaako/pseuds/softshelltaako
Summary: He's strong, he tells himself,he's moved past it, and he refuses to consider the idea that maybe he isn't as okay as he thinks.A night off the job with the Boner Squad goes south when Taako gets wrapped up in some memories he'd rather not relive. Takes place before the Eleventh Hour arc.





	a lesson in expression

It's not unusual for the Boner Squad to take a trip planetside to bar hop and unwind. They're doing just that tonight, Merle knocking back shots at the bar and doing his best to converse with the gruff-looking bartender, who is having none of his antics, and Magnus watching over Taako as he hustles some of the other patrons in games of pool. The elf wears a tipsy but prideful grin, looking over the small pile of shoes he's collected in his conquests.

"Explain to me," Magnus inquires, appearing at Taako's back as he sinks a ball into the adjacent pocket, "one more time why you wager shoes instead of, say, something useful? Gold? Literally _anything_ but used shoes?"

"Mango, my man." Taako turns with a sly smile, leaning easily back against the pool table. He leans his weight on his hands, which he rests on the edge of said table, and flutters his perfectly mascara-coated lashes innocently. "What's more inconvenient than a barefoot trek home?"

He waits for an answer, and Magnus mulls that over for a moment. He looks unsure as he glances down at his companion and guesses, "Nothing?"

"Precisely. Use your head, bubeleh."

Magnus offers little more than an eye roll, the sound of solid pool balls clacking together tearing Taako's attention away. His opponent swears under his breath, knowing he's sunk, and begins removing his shoes even before Taako effortlessly sinks the eight ball. The elf blows on the tip of his pool stick like a smoking gun and holds out a single hand with a smirk, wiggling his fingers impatiently. "Hand 'em over, hot stuff. My buddy and I ain't got all night." He earns a displeased grunt, but the shoes are shoved rather forcefully into his hand nonetheless. With a gentle bow, Taako scoops his loot up in his arms and heads for the bar.

Magnus trails behind as Taako settles into a stool and dumps his prizes to the floor at his feet. Neither mentions it, but they knowingly leave a berth of a few yards between themselves in Merle, reluctant to let their ears catch any of his nauseating attempts at flirtation. The shocked look on the poor bartender's face is telling enough.

Taako waves slim fingers to garner her attention, barely paying attention as Magnus settles into the stool at his side. Thoughts have been gnawing at him throughout the night - bad thoughts, thoughts he'd rather not acknowledge. Taako doesn't do the whole "feelings" thing. Not his cup of tea. He'd much rather down a few drinks (though it was certainly more than "a few" at this point, if he was being honest with himself, which was rare) and haggle some suckers out of their personal belongings than acknowledge the blurry memories tugging at his conscience.

He gives his drink order to the bartender before shifting his eyes down to his freshly manicured nails, giving them a once over. His gaze, wavering almost undetectably under the effects of the alcohol, flitters downwards to his slender wrists where his sleeves have ridden up on his arms. It's barely a second, but something flashes through his mind, an image of those same wrists, his wrists, riddled with bruises shaped like fingerprints. A chill like ice runs down his spine, and he can't stop his hands from curling into tight fists. _Not now. Not anymore._

Magnus's voice breaks him from his reverie, along with the sound of a heavy glass hitting the wooden surface of the bar. Taako practically flinches, playing it off cooly by tucking a strand of hair behind his elegant ears. He looks to Magnus as he subconsciously tugs the flowing fabric of his sleeves down over his wrists, pulling the colorful drink towards himself and taking a long draw through the straw. "Run that by me one more time, doll face?"

Magnus, ever the patient one, repeats, "Are you okay? You look sort of out of it."

"Me?" Taako places a hand on his chest, feigning shock, before spinning his stool towards the bar once more, skirt swishing. "Never. Forever on my A-game. Never catch me out of it." Despite the words, he feels his brows knitting together as he foregoes the straw to take a deeper swig of his beverage. He drains the fruity contents easily before requesting something stronger. Taste isn't a factor right now, he just needs to stop thinking.

The concern on Magnus's features only grows as Taako drains half of his newest glass, clearly straight liquor, oblivious to the burn in his throat. He enjoys it, lets it ground him. He can see the worry on his teammate's face in his peripheral and fights the urge to sneer at him. He can keep his fucking pity. It's been years. Taako has put his past behind him. He's always been alone. _But you weren't, once,_ his mind reminds him, and he takes another deep swig, anger growing. He knows how to deal, and the last thing he needs is anyone's halfassed attempts at sympathy. He finishes the glass, feeling himself begin to sway on the stool, but it's only a matter of time before his mind wanders again.

This time, eyes boring into the scratched wood before him, he hears it rather than sees it. Heavy breathing in his ear, a gruff voice mumbling words he can barely understand, brain too foggy, head too heavy. His eyes fall shut, trying to push the memory away, but it only serves to make the scene clearer. He can make out the unsure outlines of the stagecoach in the dark, so familiar once, so long ago. The ice in his veins spreads at the feeling of the thin, ratty mattress under him, the heavy weight of a single hand holding his own in place, pinned above his head. He feels callouses on the other hand, under his shirt, against his skin, and it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

He can't pinpoint exactly when it changes but suddenly he's there, in the dark again, struggling and writhing and kicking his legs uselessly. Every limb weighs a thousand pounds, but the figure above him shrugs off his attempts to struggle like flies. He drank too much, of course he did, _why does he always drink too much_ , and his breath comes in gasps and stubble scratches at his jaw from the face buried in the crook of his neck. He hears his own voice, hoarse and pleading and so, so, sickeningly weak, as he whimpers, " _Sazed._ "

The name strikes a chord in his brain and he feels his joints lock up, feels himself grow numb as his own voice - _but that can't be his voice, he would never sound so desperate, so hopeless, so pathetic and small and terrified_ \- continues to beg. He's practically hyperventilating but no matter how hard he breathes, he can't get air into his lungs, can't breathe through the weight on his chest, can't breathe, can't think, can't move, can't _fight_ , and-

Suddenly there's a hand on his arm and without a moment's hesitation he whips out his Umbra staff and jams it under the attacker's chin, his voice breaking as he cries, " _No!_ " His vision is blurred but as he comes back to his senses, he can make out Magnus sitting in front of him, hands raised in surrender. His jaw is slack and his eyes are wide with shock. Taako can see the fear in them.

Magnus. Only Magnus.

Realizing what he's done, Taako lowers the Umbra staff, his entire body trembling. He finally processes that tears are what is blurring his vision, but that can't be right because he doesn't cry, not even by himself, and definitely not in a crowded bar with so many people around, definitely not in front of his team. It's his full team now, because Merle has quickly waddled to his side after Taako's outburst, looking between the two in concern. The volume in the bar has decreased considerably, a momentary lull in the buzz, but quickly returns to its normal state as the curious eyes turn away.

Magnus moves instinctually to reach for Taako once more but thinks better of it, hand hovering unsurely in the space between them. "... Taako? Are you alright?"

Taako clears his throat before he speaks, but it doesn't stop his voice from wavering and _for Pan's sake why the fuck is he shaking so much_. "Of course. C-Couldn't be better." It's an obvious lie, and he goes to reach for his drink to play it off but his muscles won't allow him to lift it. It's empty anyway, so he sits with his hand curled around the glass, trying in vain to stop the fierce shudders wracking his slouched frame.

"Taako," Magnus tries again, his hands fiddling nervously in his lap. "You can... You can tell us."

That seems to get the wizard's attention. He tears his eyes suddenly away from the wall he'd been staring at, but when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. He draws in a deep, shaky breath, letting it out in a heavy sigh, and does his best to put on his usual, carefree voice. "You know me, my man. Iron shell." However, the longer he talks, the more he stutters, and he feels his face contorting with the effort of maintaining his casual demeanor. "Nothing gets to The Impenetrable Taako, yeah? Nerves of s-steel." Even as tears begin to pour down his cheeks and he hiccups on his words, he tries to climb to his feet, though he leans heavily on the bar to accomplish the task. "F-Fine and dandy. Absolutely p-peachy. Just need a... a second to..."

There's a hand on his shoulder, and he just barely flinches before looking up into Magnus's eyes. The concern is clear as day and Taako fucking hates it, hates himself for being so weak, for losing composure after all these years of silence. _He's strong_ , he tells himself, _he's moved past it_ , and he refuses to consider the idea that maybe he isn't as okay as he thinks, because when Magnus says his name again a wicked sob rips through his chest and he feels his knees give out from beneath him. Magnus's solid arm around his waist keeps him upright as he stumbles forward, gasping for air.

He doesn't have to say anything else as Merle starts for the exit, Magnus setting down some gold on the bar to pay for their drinks before guiding Taako along, which is good because he doesn't think he could choke out another word even if he wanted to. He certainly doesn't, not even when the door is pushed open and the cool night air hits his face, making it just a fraction easier to breathe. Magnus doesn't question him as he leans heavily against his side, not trusting his own legs anymore.

It's silently agreed upon to return to base, but Taako remembers nothing of the journey. He gathers a sort of awareness as Magnus is wrapping a blanket around his shoulders, and he realizes that he is sitting crosslegged in his own bed. There's no sign of Merle; he suspects Magnus sent him off to bed, knowing the hammered dwarf wouldn't be much of help in a sensitive situation like this. _Sensitive._ The word makes him shudder. He's frail. Weak. Useless. He's finally gone and ruined his carefully-constructed image. They'll never take him seriously again.

He wants to snap at Magnus as the burly man stands hesitantly at the edge of his bed, fidgeting with his hands. He wants to scream at him, tell him to get out. He wants to be cold - cruel, even. He wants to be alone. Instead, he sighs heavily, and he hates how weak his own voice sounds when he says, "Well, take a seat." No avoiding the inevitable. Might as well get it over with.

Magnus looks at him in surprise, but Taako only raises a brow. Taking it as a final invitation, Magnus scrambles onto the bed, crossing his legs in a mimicry of Taako's own position. It's almost humorous, the way the hulking mass of a man still towers over him. Taako props up one elbow on his knee and lets his cheek rest in his palm, shutting his eyes. "Ask away, big guy," he says, sounding tired.

There's a few moments of silence in which Taako waits for the questions to come pouring out. Hearing nothing, he opens an eye in curiosity. Magnus is looking at him quietly, hands folded in his lap, thumbs making circles around one another. "You don't have to talk to me about it." _Bullshit_ , Taako wants to spit, but Magnus continues on. "I'm not gonna make you tell me anything. I just... I don't know, I sort of figured you might want someone to vent to. You've never shut down like that - not that it's bad, it's just not Taako, except maybe it _is_ you, but you've never shown it to us, or _anyone_ , really, so I just..." He trails off, looking down at his hands. "You don't have to hide that kind of shit, Taako. We all have shit."

It's an absolute hot mess of an attempt at comfort, but Taako knows it's genuine and well-intentioned, as Magnus always is. He has that special way of his, so honest and open, and for some reason, its enough to compel Taako to sigh deeply before beginning to pour out his story.

"You know about my show already. _Sizzle It Up With Taako_." Magnus nods eagerly, and Taako shuts his eyes. If he's going to do this, he can't look at Magnus. He can't watch his face as he tells him what he's done. "I had this assistant... Sazed." The name turns his skin to ice again, but he pushes on, knows if he doesn't get it all out now, he'll never do it. Each word tears at his throat like barbs, but he forces himself to keep speaking.

"He was my right-hand man. We were... friends. As close to friends as it gets with me, because Taako rolls solo, you know. It was never supposed to be more than that. I didn't want it to be more, but... Sazed did. He wanted more. Always more. I wouldn't give him a spot on the show, wouldn't split the brand with him, wouldn't give him what he asked for." He swallows hard for a second. "I wouldn't give him it, so he took it.

"He took a spot on the show. He tacked his name on the end: _Sizzle It Up With Taako and Sazed_. He took..." The next words are sour on his tongue, and he turns his head away, opening his eyes to stare at the wall. His brow furrows as he forces them out. "He took whatever he wanted. He didn't have a boundary, didn't have a limit, he took and took and took and I wanted to stop him but I..." He shakes his head, tangled hair falling to obscure his face. "He told me if I went against him he'd ruin the show. He'd..." _He'd tell everyone what we did_ , he wants to say, but he doesn't know how to phrase it because it wasn't what _they_ did, it was what Sazed did to _him_ , so he moves on.

"He told me he would leave." He can't help but laugh bitterly at that, burying his face in his hands. "I was a fucking idiot. Stupid. So stupid. Everything he did to me, and I was still terrified of him leaving. I don't know why." He pauses, another shuddering breath, and looks down at the sheets, playing with a loose thread. "That's a lie. I didn't want him to go because I... I didn't want to be alone again. I'd rather get bossed around and knocked around and..." The word dangles on his tongue, but a wave of nausea creeps up his throat as he remembers the calloused hands on his skin, the way they pulled and tugged at his skin, the lips on his throat. He can't say it. He can't. "... I'd rather go through all of that than be alone again.

"I was so fucking scared. Scared of him. Scared of what would happen without him. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I was stuck and scared and it was absolute Suckville and then..." He remembers Glamour Springs and his face hardens. "And then I fucked up and ruined everything and I was too disgusting even for a monster like him to handle." Taako feels sick. "So he left me anyway. I was alone again. All of that, and I was _still_ fucking alone." He takes a breath for a second, and then jumps to his feet. Magnus moves to grab for him, surprise on his face, but Taako sprints from the room. The bigger man starts to follow until he hears Taako in the bathroom across the hall, retching into the sink. After a moment's thought, for once, Magnus decides not to rush in.

When Taako returns a few minutes later, dragging the back of his arm across his mouth, Magnus is waiting patiently on the bed. He flops down and receives a soft, encouraging smile as he pulls the blanket around himself once more. There's silence for a stretch, Taako's red-rimmed eyes looking anywhere but Magnus's face.

"It shouldn't matter anymore. It doesn't. He's gone, the show's over, I got what I deserved for being a confident, showy bastard, but I..." He sighs and finally, he forces himself to look at Magnus. The fighter already has him locked in an intense gaze, forcing him to realize that he has Magnus's full attention, that he has to finish this, that it's only fair. "It doesn't go away. I think about it, all the time. The smallest things can set it off, and then I can't get it out of my head. I don't usually lose my composure like that, though. I'm... I'm better than that, usually. I'm not... fragile anymore. I'm not weak." _I'm not_ , he repeats to himself, even if he doesn't fully believe it.

"Taako..." Magnus's voice is soft, and then there's a hand on his cheek. He fights down a shudder. Big, warm, calloused... It's so familiar, but there's something different in Magnus's touch. It's... gentle. It's supportive. There's nothing demanding in it, nothing harsh or cruel. Magnus doesn't want to take.

Magnus wants to give.

Taako shuts his eyes as they begin to sting again.

"You're not weak. Nobody thinks you're weak. You're the most talented, terrifyingly powerful wizard I've ever fucking seen." The praise makes something tighten in Taako's chest, and he turns his face into Magnus's touch, suddenly more desperate for reassurance and comfort than he's felt in years. He feels pathetic and exhausted and so fucking vulnerable but he's tired and aching and he _needs_ this. He needs this, and he grabs Magnus's wrist in both of his hands, a silent plea not to pull his hand away.

Magnus shows no sign of moving his hand, though, only shifting his thumb to swipe a tear from Taako's cheek. His voice is quiet and open as he says, "What he did to you... It isn't your fault. You know that, right?" Taako says nothing, hands tightening around his wrist. "It isn't," he repeats, more firmly, and Taako feels himself tense until Magnus cards his other hand through his loose curls, flattening the frizz he's accumulated over the course of the night. It strikes him just how terrible he probably looks, and he sighs into Magnus's hand.

"Sorry, Mango. I didn't mean to wrap you up in my tragic-past bullshit." He releases Magnus's hand, but his eyes flutter open in surprise when both hands move to gently cradle his face.

"Don't be sorry. I mean, you can be, but you shouldn't." Taako blinks up at him, lips parted just slightly in awe, as Magnus examines his face. Gentle thumbs continue to wipe the tracks of dampness from his cheeks. "You didn't deserve any of that. You don't deserve to feel bad about it. That guy - Sazed..."

His face suddenly grows cold, and Taako places a hand over the one on his cheek. "What's wrong, big guy?"

Magnus gnaws at his lip for a moment before lowering his head, pulling his hands away from Taako's face. The wizard immediately misses the warmth. He watches as dark hands curl into fists in the other's lap. "I wanna hurt him, Taako. If we ever run into him, I don't think I'll be able to help myself. Knowing what he did to you, knowing that he left you, knowing that he _hurt_ you." He runs a hand roughly through his own hair. "I need to know you won't be mad at me." He looks up suddenly, and Taako is startled by the fire in his eyes. "I need to know you'll let me do that."

After everything Sazed put him through, he'd be lying if he didn't imagine choking the life out of him with his own bare hands. But... He remembers Glamour Springs and the fire slowly building in his gut dies. In the end, _he's_ the monster here. It's him. Who is a monster to dish out punishments?

He looks up and, with great reluctance, shakes his head. "It's not worth it, Maggie. _He's_ not worth it. You're better than that. Better than him. You're _good_." Magnus locks eyes with him, looking tempted to battle him on it, but he eventually nods.

With a sigh, Taako slumps over, curling up in a bundle under the blanket. The conversation has drained him of the last of his energy, and he lets his eyes fall closed. "Too many emotions for one night. That's the last sign of feelings you'll get from ol' Taako till I'm on my death bed." Magnus lets out a laugh at that, and Taako feels the mattress shift as the other climbs to his feet.

"Sounds like Taako." Magnus marches towards the door, flicking the light switch on his way out. Taako hears his footsteps pause in the doorway. "Hey."

The elf cracks an eye open. In the darkness, he can see Magnus hovering, looking at him with concern. "What's up, bubeleh?"

"If you need anything, you know where to find me."

"... Thanks, Magnus."

"I'll see ya in the morning."

With that, he's gone, and Taako hears his massive yawn echo as he retreats down the hall. Taako's ears twitch as he listens carefully to the sound of the door clicking closed, and then he's really alone.

But he's not alone, is he? Not really. Magnus is just down the hall. _You know where to find me_ , he'd said. Even Merle had been concerned about him, back at the bar. And then there was the Director, always checking in on them, and Angus, who looked at him like he put the sun in the sky. He was never alone anymore.

However, there in the dark silence of his room, Taako feels uneasy. He can't sleep here, with the thoughts still pulling at his skull. It takes what feels like hours of debating before he forces himself from his bed, tugging the blanket around himself like a robe. The floor is cold under his feet as he shuffles down the hall.

Magnus's door swings open without resistance - unlocked, Taako notes. There's some movement from the bed before a head peeks out of the sheets, and then a full torso, and Magnus is sitting up, squinting in the dark.

"Hey, my guy."

"Taako?" Magnus rubs at his eyes as the elf shuffles into the room, pulling his own blanket tighter around his shoulders, suddenly nervous. He sighs, nervous laughter spilling softly from his lips.

"Uh... Sorry, I feel stupid now. I was just... I couldn't sleep, and I..." He looks down at Magnus, squinty-eyed but wide awake, and his words die in his mouth. "Sorry, it was dumb, I'm just gonna-"

"No!" He stops on his way back to the door, glancing back at Magnus over his shoulder. The other catches himself, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. "I mean, you shouldn't feel stupid. Did you wanna..." He clears his throat, voice hesitant. "Do you wanna sleep in here?"

Taako's ears perk up, and he takes a few slow steps back towards the bed. "If you don't mind, that'd be... that would be pretty rad." He can't help the smile that breaks on his face, but he hides it inside his blanket.

Magnus stares at him for a few seconds, his own smile bright and obvious, before he seems to come to his senses. He pulls the blanket back, patting the spot next to him, and Taako quietly shuffles in. He expects Magnus to roll over towards the wall, so he's sufficiently shocked when an arm loops around his waist, pulling him close.

"Someone's awfully cuddly."

Magnus raises his head, looking at Taako and moving to pull his arm away. "Oh, sorry, I- is that okay? I didn't even ask, sorry, I was just-"

Taako gives him a small smile and Magnus drops off, sheepish. "Nah, it's cool. C'mere, you big lug." He feels warm as Magnus pulls him to his side once more, and he thinks suddenly that this is something he can get used to. He's still for a few moments before he slides a gentle hand into Magnus's hair, running his fingers through it. The fighter lets out a small, comfortable sound, and Taako feels his smile widen. He's glad he's the one with the night vision, or else he'd feel like a fool right about now.

Magnus falls asleep quickly, and Taako realized he must have woken him up. He almost feels bad, but with the way Magnus snuggles comfortably up to his side, he can't feel too guilty. The thoughts are nowhere to be found, and Taako is easily able to relax into meditation here. Absently, he decides that even though Magnus is a blanket hog and he can hear Merle snoring from this room, he much prefers this to an empty bed, and then his head is finally, blissfully quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first piece for the taz fandom because i was so afraid of portraying their characters wrong, i feel like everyone is so complex and i wanted to make sure i really understood them before i tried to write anything, ya feel?
> 
> anyway, hooray for finally posting on ao3 after lurking on this account for 4 years (minus one shitty voltron drabble)  
> if you wanna jabber at me feel free to hit me up on twitter @shirosprincess
> 
> thanks so much for reading!


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